My new documentary is finally released this weekend. I dreamed that story for years before it became a reality so why am I not excited? By now the narrative has been diluted to suit the perception of the audience, years of abuse reduced to a tabloid headline, “Former Sex Slave Shatters Guinness World Record.” My world record was meant to empower victims and educate the public that I am much more than what happen to me, somehow my story turned into a roadhouse freak show. I want to talk about the circumstances that led to the abuse, but the conversation seems to focus rather on the details of what happened. I get that is important to talk about it, after all, it was me who open up that dialogue, it was important that as many victims identified with my story as possible so they could draw strength in my story that it is possible not only to survive but also thrive. I did and interviewed this morning for the BBC Outlook, and I reached a point when I couldn’t go there anymore. I want you to know that I been in places of imaginable pain because of the abuse and I survive it and what is really remarkable is that I have no desire to stay there, locked in the pain and time in my life but will rather focus on where I am and where I am going, so if you are in a place where you can’t seem to be able to escape or move forward do know that is only temporary, I can’t tell you how long you will be there, it all depends on your personal circumstances but don’t quit. The most upsetting part of telling my personal story is the painful realization of, not only, the apathy of so many people that could have helped me but how close I came to giving up. I can recall the times easily when giving up felt like the best option, and by living large now, I am celebrating life. I hope you take comfort in my story to know that while the road might be hard and full of obstacles, the view from the top makes the journey worthwhile.
“Your dreams don’t have an expiry date, take a deep breath and try again.”
It sure feels like a new beginning, the last year and a half it felt like I was catching my breath as waves kept pushing me down. I get that it’s to be expected given the fact that I undertook a difficult battle; the right to live authentically. Browsing through social media I often see a post regarding authenticity, in reality, however, I see conformity. I am usually fine at pursuing my interest, but this time, however, criticism got to me. I found myself afraid of making decisions, and when looking at races, I kept second guessing myself, this is an unusual state of mind for me; I felt paralyzed. I could have justified it to protect the ego, and I often did, by thinking out loud “maybe I have done enough” but I know deep down that this isn’t true, there are many goals that I wish to achieve. So I took a step back and tried to figure out where the doubts were coming from, some were things as financially I couldn’t afford to pursue some of them, at least not yet, but the major problem lied on emotional and physical burnout. In my search for the truth I jumped the cliff but fail to check how deep was the water, I had not practice safety, just like I do during an expedition or a difficult race, when advocating I fail to have a safety plan in check. And that is what you need when pursuing dreams, the bigger the goals, the more you will need to anticipate setbacks. Anything is possible it takes a lot of determination, grit and the ability to pick yourself up after a fall that will get you there. The most important point is to believe that is possible. Long time ago when my youngest son was in grade 3, he came home with a note saying he had spent time in detention, when I asked him what happen he told me the teacher told them they could do anything in life, that there were no limits, his best friend leaned over and told him that that was so stupid, he wanted to be liked by his friend so he said to the teacher exactly that, that that was stupid, after the teacher got mad he tried to outsmart her by saying ” if I pump my arms up and down is not like I can fly is it” and when everybody laughed he was sent to the office, after listening to him instead of getting mad, I asked him, ” have you tried yet” he looked at me and asked ” what” ” pumping your arms until you fly” he said ” that’s impossible, EVERYBODY knows that!” I smile and said. “unless you are willing to spend years pumping your arms up and down without results your claim is just a theory, just like your teacher’s is a theory so is yours” he didn’t say anything after that, all I wanted as to rescue my son from the world of reason, a little insanity is more fun, Robert Siltanen quoted,
“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”